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Two Jews
were talking about what to buy at the Stock Exchange on a frosty winter's
morning:
“Mr.
Moses, what would you advise me to buy today?”
“Thermometers, of course, they're very low at the present and are sure to
rise.”
Mr.
Goldsmith became a convert to Christianity. He thought it advisable to
adopt a name with a more Gentile ring, and dubbed himself Mr. Smith. A
member of the Synagogue to which he formerly belonged heard about this and
remarked, “What a fool! This is the first Jew to throw away his gold!”
At a
festive banquet, representatives of the Protestant, Catholic, and Jewish
clergy had been invited, and were engaged in pleasant converse. The Rabbi,
faithful to the dietary precepts of his religion, partook of only a few
dishes. An appetizing joint of roast pork was set on the table. The
Catholic Priest turned to his neighbor and asked, “When will the time come
that I may have the privilege of serving you with a slice of this delicious
meat?” The Rabbi responded, “When I have the gratification of assisting at
your reverence's wedding.”
Jakey:
“Father, if I take a dollar out of somebody's pocket, that's stealing it,
ain't it?
Mr. Isaacs:
“Certainly.”
Jakey: “And
if I bet a dollar and win his dollar, that's gambling?”
Mr. Isaacs:
“Of course.”
Jakey: “And
if I've got something worth only one-dollar, and I sell it to him for
five-dollars, what is that?”
Mr. Isaacs:
“That? Oh, my boy, that's business, Jakey, simply business.”
True
humorous story from 1890:
Baron
Rothschild of Paris, as is well known, possessed fabulous wealth. Having
occasion to enter an omnibus, he was going away without paying. The driver
stopped him and demanded his fare. Rothschild felt in his pocket, but he
had not a copper in change. The driver was very wroth.
“Well,
what did you get in for if you could not pay? You must have known that you
had no money.”
“I am
Baron Rothschild,” the wealthy Jew explained, “and here is my card.”
The
driver tossed the card in the gutter and exclaimed, “Never heard of you
before, and I do not want to see you again. But I want my fare, and I must
have it.”
The
Jewish banker was in a rush. “I have only an order. Give me change.” And
he proffered a coupon for 10,000 francs.
The
conductor stared, and the passengers set up a hoarse laugh. Just then, a
friend passed by, and the Baron borrowed of him the necessary six sous, thus
releasing himself from a most unpleasant predicament.
The Harvard
School of Medicine did a study of why Jewish women like Chinese food so
much. The study revealed that this is due to the fact that Won Ton spelled
backward is Not Now.
There is a
big controversy on the Jewish view of when life begins. In Jewish tradition,
the fetus is not considered viable until it graduates from medical school.
Q: Why
don't Jewish mothers drink?
A: Alcohol
interferes with their suffering.
Q: Have you
seen the newest Jewish-American-Princess horror movie?
A: It's
called "Debbie Does Dishes."
Q: Why do
Jewish mothers make great parole officers?
A: They
never let anyone finish a sentence.
Q: What's a
Jewish American Princess's favorite position?
A: Facing
Tiffany's.
When the
doctor called Mrs. Liebenbaum to tell her that her check came back, she
replied, "So did my arthritis."
A
Jewish boy comes home from school and tells his mother he has a
part in the
play.
She
asks, "What part is it?" The boy says, "I play the
part of the
Jewish husband."
The
mother scowls and says, "Go back and tell the teacher you
want a
speaking part."
Short
summary of every Jewish holiday: They tried to kill us, we
won, let's
eat.
Q: What's
the difference between a Rottweiler and a Jewish mother?
A:
Eventually, the Rottweiler lets go.
Jewish
telegram: "Begin worrying. Details to follow."
Q: Why are
Jewish Men circumcised?
A: Because
Jewish women prefer getting it at 20% off.
Q: What do
the rabbis do with the foreskins?
A. Sell it
to the fags as chewing gum.
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